I felt I needed to close the door – firmly – on the last two years. I have waited for New Year’s Day to do this little ritual, this little ritual that makes a lot of sense to me. What I did – I burned the appointment calendar I’ve carried for the past two years.
Now, all the scribbled appointments are gone – I can’t finger through the pages and relive this visit or that one to this or that doctor. No more looking up the day that I heard bad news, or felt like someone had reached in my head in order to pull my thoughts apart; no more remembering the weeks I had to spend at my husband’s work so I wouldn’t be left alone. No more.
The very spaces the days occupied are now gone and can’t be retrieved. It’s all gone. No matter what happens, I can never be forced to go back and to live through these things again.
Sure, bad things will happen again to me. But these particular ones will not. When you think about it, it’s really an encouraging thought. And even more, I want to concentrate on the happy things that are coming up for me – family events, art work to do, poems to write…Seemed important to get things cleared away so as to make room for the future.
So my husband and I went out in the back yard, pulled out the grill, and I set the pieces of 2013 and 2014 in it. Lit the match and off the years went! Just like that! And as we stood there, the wind blew the ashes away…
So now I’m going to go into my studio and paint a bit.